Difficult Family - Nouman Ali Khan

 

Muslim Family: where did we go wrong?

Follow the Sunnah of the greatest Step-father!

I have never heard this topic mentioned in a khutbah or taught about in seerah classes I have attended. This is such a shame, over the years so many brothers I have known simply refuse spouses because they do not want the hassle of another mans children. AstaghfiruAllah! But are very happy to follow the Sunnah and marry second wives ....this needs to addressed!

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An aspect of RasulAllah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam)'s life that very few people even think about is that he was a stepfather - a man who raised the children his wife had from her previous marriage.

Many cultures warn men against marrying widows or divorcees with children; insinuations are made that she could never be truly devoted to her new husband if she has her own children to care for. A bizarre, unhealthy rivalry is set up between the woman's child and her new husband.

When the Messenger of Allah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam) sent a proposal of marriage to Umm Salamah (radhiAllahu 'anha), she told him, "I am a woman with many children!" His response was, "And I am a man with children as well. Your children will be mine."

Umm Salamah had several children by her previous husband, Abu Salamah (radhiAllahu 'anhu), who had died from his war injuries. She was either pregnant, or had just given birth to her daughter Zaynab, when her husband died.

Zaynab bint Abi Salamah (radhiAllahu 'anha) thus grew up with RasulAllah as the only father she truly knew. He, in turn, loved her as his own child. When RasulAllah would come to Umm Salamah's house, he would immediately ask for young Zaynab; he would play with her often.

Zaynab's uncle, Ammar, used to say, "She was the one who has come between RasulAllah and the rest of his family!" - meaning that he would spend a great deal of time with her.

Zaynab bint Abi Salamah (radhiAllahu 'anha) grew up to narrate many ahadith, in particular from her mother and from the other wives of RasulAllah (sallAllahu 'alayhi wa sallam). She also became known as a great jurist of Madinah, and was referred to as the most knowledgeable woman of her time.

From The Salafi Feminist

Tips for Having a Happier Family | Nouman Ali Khan

Refuge From the Storm - Family Problems - Nouman Ali Khan

CONVERTING TO ISLAM STORY (EMOTIONAL)

Wives and in-Laws - That's Messed Up! - Nouman Ali Khan

Wives and in-Laws - That's Messed Up! - Nouman Ali Khan

Very important points made here about  just and Islamic treatment of family members.

Responsibilities of Husbands & Responsibilities of Wives (Khutbah by Nouman Ali Khan)

Welcoming Ramadan Into Our Homes - Mufti Ismail Menk

Our Families: Coolness of Our Eyes | Nouman Ali Khan

"Is Adoption Allowed in Islam?"

Mind the Gap: Improving Family Relations - AbdelRahman Murphy

Ustadh Nouman Ali Khan - "The Jahaliyyah of Matrimonials

Treat her like a lady, not a baby-making machine

Kaneez* has five young children with a small age difference between them. She works full-time as a domestic maid and takes short, rushed breaks in order to nurse her youngest child, a five-month-old infant. If her break becomes longer than the expected five minutes, she is severely rebuked by her employer. 

Life is hard for Kaneez. Not only does her husband expect her to make ends meet, but also wants her to keep adding more children to the brood. Her children fight all the time, demand clothes and toys when she takes them grocery shopping and throw tantrums when their wishes are not fulfilled.

The over-worked mother says that her health is deteriorating by the day. She realises that she may be suffering from a number of complications, but does not have time to get herself checked by a doctor.

According to Kaneez, it was her husband’s aunt who kept making snide remarks about other relatives having more male progeny than her that made her want to have more babies. So Kaneez ended up having more children than she wanted as a retort to the aunt. Now, as those who provoked her go about their daily business, life for Kaneez just keeps getting tougher. When thoroughly exhausted, she releases her stress by physically abusing her children.

There is no doubt that children are God’s blessing. But in many societies, including ours, most women are forced to have one child after an another. They do not have the freedom to choose how many children they have nor do they get to decide the age difference between them.

Faiza* is 35 and has six children. She also works full time as a domestic servant. When she returns home, she must perform all the household duties. After six children, Faiza thought her family was complete, and she had a tubal ligation surgery in order to prevent any more pregnancies. But, when her husband and mother-in-law learned about this, they were furious. Faiza shares her sorrow saying:

I have given them six children out of which two are male. I am also the major breadwinner of the family. What else do they want?

Another sad case is Asifa*, who at the very young age of 20, has five children and is expecting yet again. She does all the housework and her young boys keep her on her toes all day long. She has no time for herself and often gets tired and angry. Asifa was also forced to conceive repeatedly on one pretext or the other.

Sultana* has eight children. When she gets run-down, she screams and hits her children and tells them they are ‘unwanted’. She has left most of her young daughters as live-in servants at bungalows in different parts of the city. She does care about her children, but she doesn’t have the time or energy to inquire about their well-being on a frequent basis. Recently, one of her daughters got pregnant out of wedlock.

“What can I do? I work full time and look after four young children after work hours. How can I keep track of what’s going on in their lives?,” says a perplexed Sultana.

“My husband said he would leave me if I didn’t have more children,” she added

According to her, he was provoked by his relatives to give her this threat. Even today, women are desperate to safeguard their marriages. This is because a divorced woman is looked down upon and her character is misjudged. Scared of such consequences, even if women can financially support themselves without a husband, they stay in the marriage.

Another way of psychologically blackmailing women to have more children is by accusing them of having a low character, having liaisons outside of marriage or not loving their husbands.

Sadaf*, a young professional,  recently got married into an educated family. When she told her husband that she wanted to work a little more (before having a child) because she had time (referring to her biological clock), her in-laws accused her of having a secret boyfriend. So this behaviour is not only limited to the lower class.

Many women I have spoken to explained that their relatives compel them to have more children because they love kids and and want to be surrounded by them. They do this because they feel it is a means of keeping women “under control”; to keep them so burdened with responsibilities that they have no time to think about their own desires.

Family planning is a matter that should remain between the husband and wife. Unfortunately, most men in our poverty ridden society have a rigid mindset. Many men living in rural Pakistan have not received any guidance and are egged on by uncaring relatives to have unrealistic expectations from their partners.

If anyone is to argue that it is recommended in our religion to have more children, I would like to say that our religion also says that men should provide for the family. When it comes to the second obligation, why do such men turn a deaf ear?

A woman has a natural instinct to care for each of her children. But when she is abused, this instinct becomes ugly. Juggling work with the upbringing of several young children, a woman not only becomes frustrated but ends up neglecting her own kids. This could lead to serious issues, like the case with Sultana’s pregnant daughter.

Why should children be subject to neglect, physical and mental abuse?

Our men and women need to be educated. Women need to be understood and treated like human beings instead of machines. Children need to be seen as individuals that need exclusive affection and care. ‘Caring and well-meaning’ relatives must stop interfering beyond a certain point.

I think women should have the choice. I hope the majority will agree.

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RUQQAYAH BINT MOHAMMED-THE LADY OF TWO MIGRATIONS

Ruqayyah is the second daughter born to Prophet Mohammed ﷺ and Lady Khadejah (RA). She and Um Kulthoom, the third daughter, were very close as Zainab was a bit older than them and Fatima was much younger. These two sisters grew up as if they were twins and shared almost everything.

Ruqayyah and Um Kulthoom got engaged at the same time to brothers, who just happened to be the sons of Abu Lahab. Abu Talib, the Prophet’s ﷺ uncle, came to him and asked for his daughters’ hand in marriage on behalf of Abu Lahab. Prophet Mohammed ﷺ asked him for some time so that he can go ask his daughters. They had a small family meeting with the girls and Khadejah (RA), who was hesitant because she knew how heartless and cruel Abu Lahab’s wife was and didn’t want her to be the mother in law to her daughters. Nevertheless, they all agreed to the proposal and the marriage contracts were signed in an environment of extreme anxiety on everyone’s behalf.
Soon afterwards, the Prophethood descended upon Mohammed ﷺ and everything changed for them. Khadejah (RA) became even more worried about the fate of her daughters as Abu Lahab and his wife started to show extreme cruelty to the Muslims. However, fate worked in their favor when Abu Lahab, in order to punish Mohammed ﷺ, ordered his sons to break off the marriage (which had not yet become official) to Mohammed’s ﷺ daughters. The girls went home to their parents in great distress.
However, the disbelievers did not get the satisfaction they were looking for because Mohammed ﷺ taught his daughters that everything happens for a reason and there is something good that will come out of a bad situation. So the entire family took it really well and put their trust in God.
Sure enough, someone great did come along by the name of Uthman ibn Affan, one of the most dignified, gracious, righteous, bashful, noble, wealthy men of all of Quraysh. Uthman was very well known in Quraysh for his lineage and wealth but he was also the most loved man. He was so loved, that the mothers in Quraysh would sing a lullaby to their children that went, “By Allah, I love you, as the Quraysh love Uthman.”

There was once a story reported by Az-Zubayr that the Prophet ﷺ had sent a man with a gift to Uthman and Ruqayyah and the man came back late. The Prophet ﷺ told him, “Do you want me to inform you about what delayed you?” The man nodded. “You stood there looking at Uthman and Ruqayyah, admiring their beauty,” replied the Prophet ﷺ.
When the persecution of the Muslims started to get too intense, Prophet Mohammed ﷺ allowed whoever could to migrate to Abbysinia where there was a king who would protect them and wouldn’t allow anyone to be wronged in his presence. This king was Negus. Uthman and Ruqayyah were among those who decided to migrate but Ruqayyah found it so hard to say goodbye to her family and was crying and scared.
The trip to Abysinnia was long and difficult. They had to go through two deserts, a deep sea and the African jungles, all in the scorching heat. First they went from Mecca to the Jeddah coast where they boarded a ship that took them to the Abbysinian coast. From then, they traveled inland until they reached palace of the king and informed him of their migration to his land.
Back in Mecca, it wasn’t long before the Quraysh found out about the migration and sent some delegates who knew the king with gifts to persuade him to turn the migraters over to them. Once the delegates arrived though, there was nothing they could say to convince the king to surrender the refugees. So one of the delegates claimed that these people were saying negative things about Jesus and Mary. This made the king angry and he sent guards to the Muslim camp to bring them to the palace.

The Muslims became very worried that they were summoned but Ja’far stood up and said that he will speak on everyone’s behalf. The king questioned Ja’far about leaving the religion of their forefathers. Ja’far answered that they were people that lived in ignorance and corruption until Mohammed ﷺ came among them and brought light and commanded them to worship Allah. Then the king asked them what they say about Jesus and Mary. Ja’far answered that they believe that Jesus was a messenger of God and recited the first few verses of Soorat Maryam. Upon hearing this, the king declared that he would never turn these people over to Quraysh. The delegates tried appealing to the king through other church members but they were not successful and went home empty handed.

The Muslims lived in Abbysinia for months and some of them years. They took up jobs according to their professions and were not a burden on the king or his people. There were times of stress, like when the king almost got overthrown by his nephew who hated the Muslims, but overall, the time they spent there was peaceful. However, they were all still thinking about home, and none more than Ruqayyah, who was yearning to see her sisters and parents. Then news came that Hamza and Umar bin Al Khattab had accepted Islam and some saw this as a good time to come home. They thought surely if these two great men had become Muslims then they would be safe. Ruqqayah and Uthman were among the first group to leave Abbysinia.
When they arrived in Mecca, they were disappointed and stunned to see the extent at which the brutality against the Muslims had gotten. Ruqqayah immediately went to her family’s house and kissed her sisters and father. She then asked about her mother only to learn that she had passed away while Ruqqayah was in Abbysinia. This broke her heart and she wept profusely. She prayed for her mother and resigned her fate to Allah.

It was not long before Ruqqayah became pregnant and gave birth to a boy, Abdullah. The baby filled their life with joy after so much hardship and sorrow. When Abdullah was two years old, Ruqqayah, Uthman joined those that migrated to Madinah.
However, as all believers go through trials, Ruqayyah was about to endure another very difficult trial.
{Who has created death and life, that He may test you [to see] which of you is best in deed} [Quran 67:2]

One day Abdullah was sleeping in his cradle when a rooster pecked him in the eyes. This led to an infection that claimed his life a few days later. Ruqqayah was so distraught by the death of her son that she became very ill. Uthman lovingly and affectionately stood by her and took care of her while she was sick, but eventually she passed away. As Uthman was kissing her forehead, the announcement was made in the city of the Muslim’s victory in the battle of Badr.
Prophet Mohammed ﷺ came back stunned to find his daughter dead. He and Fatima wept for her and stood by consoling each other and Uthman.
The Prophet ﷺ sorrowfully performed the funeral prayers. He returned to his home after burying his daughter carrying his struggle with him and continued to deliver his message. Uthman later married Um Kulthoom because she was so close in character to Ruqqayah. May Allah be pleased with all of them.
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Family planning and Islam

MANY people, especially women, have asked me if family planning is permissible in Islam. They say the imams and ulema say the Quran prohibits family planning and quote a verse which says, “And kill not your children for fear of poverty — We provide for them and for you. Surely the killing of them is a great wrong” (17:31).

In no way does this verse refer to family planning because it is talking of ‘killing’ and you kill one who exists. No law in the world will permit killing one who is already born and hence the Quran rightly condemns the killing of children. Some people suggest that the verse in question refers to the practice of burying girl children alive and when asked they would say they could not provide for them and hence Allah responds that He provides for them.

Imam Razi suggests the verse refers to both male and female children being kept ignorant. Thus killing them has not been used as in killing the body but the mind which is as bad as killing the body. The word used here is ‘awlad’ i.e. children, which includes both male and female.

Imam Razi’s suggestion seems to be quite reasonable and in fact a large family means children cannot be properly educated by poor parents and hence parents ‘kill’ them mentally by keeping them ignorant.

They cannot even clothe them properly nor can they provide proper living space. In such circumstances one cannot raise quality human beings, and quantity does not matter much. That said, we should understand that at the time of the revelation of the Quran, the problem of family planning did not exist, nor did the need for population control.

It is a modern problem which has arisen in our time. Most nation states in the developing world do not have the economic means to support large populations, and when we say supporting large populations it does not mean only feeding them but also includes education and the provision of proper health services. These are the basic duties of modern nation states.

In fact, in view of the paucity of resources, it has become necessary to adopt family planning. When the Quran was being revealed there was neither any properly organised state nor education nor health services being provided by a state agency.
It is important to note that the Quran, which shows eight ways to spend zakat, does not include education or health which is so essential for the state to provide today. Thus what Imam Razi suggests is not only very correct but also enhances the importance of family planning in modern times as a small family can support better education and health services.

It would be interesting to note that as for verse 4:3 (which is used by Muslims for justification of polygamy) Imam Shafi’i interprets it rather differently. It ends with the words alla ta’ulu, which is generally translated as ‘you may not do injustice’ i.e. do not marry more than one woman so that you may not do injustice. But Imam Shafi’i renders it as ‘so that you do not have a large family’. The Quran has already mentioned that ‘if you fear injustice then marry only one’ woman and so there was no need to repeat it. That is why Imam Shafi’i feels it should be translated as ‘so that you do not have a large family’.

It can be seen that in understanding the Quran even very eminent imams and great scholars differed with one another. One should not impose one single meaning of a verse on all Muslims. The Quran could be interpreted differently by different people in their own context and circumstances, as has historically been the practice. Family planning being a modern need, one should not reject it out of hand and quote Quranic verses out of context.

Family planning does not mean killing children after they are born but to plan the birth of children in a way that parents can bear all the expenses for their education, health, living space, upkeep, etc. in a proper manner. The Quran also suggests that a child be suckled for two years, and it is well known that as long as the mother suckles she may not conceive. Thus, indirectly, the Quran suggests spacing between children.

In hadith literature, we find that the Prophet (PBUH) permitted prevention of conceiving in certain circumstances. When a person asked the Prophet for permission for ‘azl (withdrawal) as he was going for a long journey along with his wife and he did not wish his wife to conceive, the Messenger of Allah allowed him. In those days this was the only known method for planning the birth of a child. Today there are several more methods available.

Imam Ghazali allows even termination of pregnancy if the mother’s life is in danger and suggests several methods for termination. He even allows termination of pregnancy on health grounds or if the mother’s beauty is in danger, provided it is in consultation with her husband. Some scholars referring to the verse 23:14 conclude that one can terminate pregnancy up to three months after conception as the Quran, in this verse, describes the stages of development of the sperm planted in the mother’s womb; it takes three months for life to begin.

However, many ulema today oppose the termination of pregnancy. Whatever the case one cannot declare family planning as prohibited in Islam as it in no way amounts to killing a child. Even the termination of a pregnancy is allowed in order to properly plan the birth of a child according to one’s financial resources.

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In Pakistan, Birth Control And Religion Clash

In Pakistan, family planning is an uncomfortable topic fraught with religious overtones.

But in one of Asia's fastest-growing populations, a story of women giving birth challenges stereotypes, including what Islam has to say about women's health and family planning.

According to a new government survey, Pakistan is producing nearly 4 million babies every year, and most are born into poverty. The World Bank says 60 percent of Pakistanis live on less than $2 a day.

Yet clerics in religiously conservative Pakistan tell the Muslim majority that the Quran instructs women to keep bearing as many babies as possible. The message from the mullahs is that contraception is generally haram, or a sin.

'Family Planning Is Wrong'

Mohammad Zakaria, the mufti of Lahore's oldest Islamic religious school, Jamia Islamia, says modern family planning is a Western convention that offends Islam.

"Family planning is wrong and un-Islamic if it is practiced routinely," he says. "If it permanently stops a woman from becoming pregnant, it is harmful and illegal."

But a woman can temporarily put off becoming pregnant. The mufti says the Quran encourages mothers to space their pregnancies and to breast-feed their babies for prolonged periods. One verse states: "Mothers shall nurse their children two complete years for whoever desires to complete the nursing term."

If a new pregnancy would interfere with breast-feeding and the health of a nursing child, Islam allows a woman to temporarily stop having babies. The mufti says during that period Islam can be interpreted to mean the man may also use condoms and the rhythm method.

Zakaria says being poor should in no way limit having babies. Referencing the Quran, he says, "God will provide the resources and no one will starve."

"There are clear instructions in the Holy Quran, in which Allah says, 'We give you food, and we will also give food to your children. Food is not your responsibility, but God's,' " he says.

The mufti says the Quran also instructs that children must not be deprived of a proper upbringing. However, in Pakistan 38 percent of all children under 5 are underweight, and according to government data, malnutrition is widespread among mothers. The lack of resources in Pakistan today invites the question whether the mufti and his teachings are not consigning millions of people to misery.

The mufti answers: "Every society has its own value system. You should not judge us by yours. Children in the West lead a luxurious life. Earth is their heaven. Our children should not be compared with them," the mufti says. "Muslims don't pay much heed to the mundane pleasures of this world. Our reward will come in the next life."

The mufti adds that the West has taken modern contraception too far by removing the fear of getting pregnant and therefore removing women's sexual inhibitions. In Pakistan, "if a woman's fear is removed," says the mufti, she will stray into bad behavior "and offend God."

A 'Tragedy': Lack Of Education

Seventy percent of married women in Pakistan, according to the government, use no birth control method at all. And the government is ineffectual in promoting family planning, says Dr. Yasmin Raashid, a leader in obstetrics and gynecology in Pakistan. But she says if properly followed, the Quran's teachings about spacing pregnancies would automatically mean smaller families.

"And [ages] 20 to 30, of course, is the safest time to produce children," she says. "If you look at it, then, if you have a spacing between of let's say four years or three years between each child, they would not be producing more than three or four children."

Raashid says more than anything else illiteracy undermines family planning in Pakistan.

"Educated mothers limit their families. There's no problem," she says. "The tragedy in our country has been that the majority of women in Pakistan are not educated."

Raashid says educating young girls is the single best policy for reducing the country's high fertility rate and for achieving smaller, healthier families. She sites Sri Lanka where the literacy rate is 91 percent. There the fertility rate — or the average number of children a woman has in her lifetime — is 2.3, compared with Pakistan, where it is 3.9. In Pakistan, infant mortality is nearly six times as high as in Sri Lanka — a smaller, poorer country.

"And the only thing that you see different there is that women are educated there," Raashid says. "They know about their rights. They know what has to be done where their children are concerned. They know what to do where their own health is concerned. You educate the women of Pakistan and we would have the same results."

How To Reduce Maternal Deaths


In Pakistan, less than 1 percent of GDP is spent on health care. Government hospitals lack qualified staff and medicine. Private hospitals like the United Christian Hospital in Lahore, where Raashid is the chief physician, are underfunded. In her hospital nursery, soap is scarce. But a newborn baby boy, with a shock of black hair, does have the benefit of an incubator where he lies sleeping.

He's one of the fortunate few who could take advantage of being born inside a hospital, which is not the case for most children in Pakistan.

It's estimated that at least 70 percent of Pakistani children are born at home, many without a skilled birthing attendant. The result is that 12,000 mothers die in childbirth in Pakistan each year. To save more mothers, Raashid says, Pakistan must invest in more midwives.

"You really don't need hi-fi doctors everywhere," she says. "You need proper-trained midwives. Skilled birth attendants working in the villages — I mean skilled women — can go and deliver the patients at home. And at the moment we have only 25 percent of women being delivered by skilled birth attendants."

Raashid leaves the room to see a patient and perform an abortion.

In Islam, there is no strict, unanimous ban on abortion, but Muslim jurists agree that it is forbidden after the fetus is completely formed and has been given a soul. Islamic theologians differ on when that happens: The Hanafi School of Islamic law prevalent in Pakistan is among the least restrictive. It says the soul is deemed to come into the fetus at four months, and so up to four months, abortion may be induced for "good cause."

But Raashid says abortion has become a dangerous form of birth control as women submit themselves to unskilled practitioners.

"I know definitely that there is a very large number of women who die because of abortion-related complications," she says. "It's the fifth-leading cause of maternal death in Pakistan because of the infections related to incomplete abortions and septic abortions."

Pressure To Make More Babies

Raashid's hospital deploys female health care workers who go door to door counseling expectant mothers in neonatal care and family planning. They work the narrow warrens of distressed and dilapidated neighborhoods of Lahore. In one congested lane, children fight, toddlers frolic, and proud parents stand in doorways showing off their infants to a stranger. The pressure on women to keep producing babies is obvious.

Rani and Tariq, a young couple with seven children, are a case in point. The pair sits on a large bed in their three-room home with cranky babies splayed around them in the stifling heat.

Erum Ahktar, the health care worker, tells wife Rani about the importance of keeping her children healthy. In a barely audible voice, the diminutive mother with huge brown eyes says that she herself is sick — and that she wants to stop having babies, and told her husband so.

Rani says she had five sons in a row, but her husband wanted a daughter, so they had a sixth child — the hoped-for baby girl. But her husband, Tariq, who has held only sporadic jobs, wanted a second daughter. And Rani got pregnant again — and again. Now in her mid-20s, Rani is expecting her eighth baby. Tariq explains that he was obsessed with having daughters in a country obsessed with having sons because he came from a family of all boys and felt deprived with no sisters.

When pressed, Tariq acknowledges that he has compromised his wife's health. He says he understands how people could think he was irresponsible. He says has now gotten the daughter that he wants, and is reconciled with that.

"I've committed mistakes," Tariq says, adding, in this day and age "it is tough enough to raise two children," let alone the seven he has with another one on the way.

The Atypical Family

Three hundred miles away, the roles are reversed for another young couple.

Their village of Poukai, in Pakistan's North-West Frontier, is an impoverished place where children cool off in the dirty water of a local canal, their livestock swimming alongside them.

In their home shared with 12 relatives, 25-year-old Khasrat and her husband, Qadar Gul, are expecting their fourth child. Khasrat says she never went to school and cannot the read the Quran, but she listens to the clerics' sermons carried over loudspeakers equating contraception with sin, a restrictive interpretation of Islam that allows few choices in family planning. Khasrat is feeling unwell with undiagnosed pelvic pain. She is 8 1/2 months pregnant.

"I am the one who insisted on another boy," she says. "It was my husband who wanted to stop at three."

Qadar Gul is worried about his wife's health and about feeding more mouths — he's injured and cannot work. He is also atypical because unlike a lot of the men here, he does not reject family planning. He practiced abstinence, but his wife insisted that she wanted her older son to have a little brother.

He says he thought about the consequences of having more children. "We are poor," he says. He's unhappy with his housing, saying there's not enough room. He told his wife this, he says, but she persevered. And his wife said, "Let it be God's will."

This faithful Muslim man struggles to respect both his clerics' commands not to use contraception and his desire not to father more children. It's a deeply personal choice, with profound implications for his family — and that choice writ large has profound implications for the nation.

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Guilty pleas in murder of teen Aqsa Parvez

The father and brother of a slain Mississauga teen have pleaded guilty to second-degree murder in a case which has been called an "honour killing."

In an unexpected development on Tuesday afternoon, Aqsa Parvez's two family members admitted to strangling the teen girl at the family home on the morning of Dec. 10, 2007.

Muhammad Parvez, 60, and son Waqas, 29, were both scheduled to go on trial in January for first-degree murder.

Aqsa's death ignited an intense public debate after reports surfaced that she may have been killed for rebelling against her family. Some friends said that family tensions exploded after Aqsa refused to wear the hijab, which is a Muslim head covering.

Lawyers confirmed the second-degree murder pleas to ctvtoronto.ca on Tuesday afternoon.

It is expected that the father and son will be given automatic life sentences. An agreed statement of facts was to be read out in the Brampton courtroom.

Aqsa was only 11 when her family moved to Canada from their native country of Pakistan.

But within a few years, the teen began to argue with her conservative family about clothing, friends and her desire to earn her own money.

According to an agreed statement of facts which was presented in court on Tuesday, the real trouble began a year before the murder.

The teen had told friends at her school that she no longer wanted to wear her hijab, despite her family's insistence. As the arguments escalated, Aqsa ran away from home more than once and told friends that she feared for her life as her father grew angrier.

On the morning of her death, a family member picked her up at a bus stop and took her home. Not long after Aqsa arrived home, her father called 911 and told the operator he had strangled his daughter, the court heard.

Evidence showed that Aqsa had the DNA of her brother under her fingernails.

In an interview with police shortly after the death, Aqsa's mother said that her husband had been angry because of the teen's behaviour.

The mother told police: "He said, ‘this is my insult. My community will say you have not been able to control your daughter.'"

Crown prosecutors are asking that both men serve 18 years before they have a chance of parole.
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Parents: Let Your Adult Children Choose

I envy my fellow Westerners when it comes to marriage proposals. My cousin recently got engaged. Her fiance planned everything from the ring, the party, her friends and family. He proposed, and she said yes on the spot. The wedding is set for early this fall, God-Willing.

When I informed my father of the news, his first reaction was "And her parents (your aunt and uncle) approved of this proposal?"

You see, my Egyptian father has lived in the U.S. for over 30+ years and he still holds traditional views from that region. Traditionally, a potential suitor would ask his family to help him propose to a girl's family (emphasize the family). Often times in our modern times, the couples have already known each other from work, school or a social event of some kind. They've talked and decided it would be best if they made their relationship official. In some instances they might have not spoken of the topic and the man decides to approach the family of the bride-to-be. He could have seen her or she might have been recommended by friends or relatives. There are different variations of how this happens, but one thing is consistent throughout all these proceedings: the family must express approval for anything to move on to the following stage.

I will not write about marriage traditions in the Middle East or in Asia. I'm more concerned about Western Muslims and the traditions they've continued to foster in the name of culture or Islam.

**

The reason my father was concerned with my aunt's approval of my cousin's marriage is because her fiance is not Arab and holds no college education, albeit a successful business, and comes from a different socioeconomic background, i.e. poor. According to tradition, this man wouldn't even be considered as an appropriate suitor for my cousin.

I understand my father's reasoning and others similar to him. It's important to choose a compatible spouse to match your interests, level of education, etc. However, I must emphasize that the sole decision makers should be the people getting married: The bride and groom. Of course it's important to consult with family, friends and people you trust when taking such decision, but the final decision should be up to the people getting married.

Racism, Double standards, Ageism and Discrimination:

In reality, you find the Mullah-like fathers who pray 5-times a day, who are careful to give sadaqah, solve marital problems in the community, wake up for tahajjud (night prayer) and cite the Prophet's marriage to Khadijah (an older successful businesswoman) are the same fathers who reject suitors solely on their race, age, salary, career or prior marital status. This is mostly done in the name of culture, but these decisions are supported by religious rulings such as a woman can't be married without her guardian or the famous Hadeeth about men as Shepherds responsible for their 'flock.' One might argue that these cultural practices are an evolution from religious rulings that are in place by men to support men.

And here I speak in the name of reality. When a son informs his mother that he wishes to marry a divorcee, an older woman, a woman with children or a woman from a different culture, all hell breaks loose. The son is informed that his mother will die if he ever marries a 'used' or different product when there are a lot of unused, younger, care-free, similarly-cultured choices out there. The same mother probably prays all her Taraweeh prayers in a Mosque during Ramadan. She probably attends Islamic study circles where tolerance and equality for all are preached but never practiced.

But as we speak of double standards I must declare that men have it easier than women. A man can convince his parents eventually. And if things don't work out with this wife, he can always marry another. There is no cultural stigma attached to him. His parents treat him as an adult who will have to endure consequences to his actions.

On the other hand, a female is treated like a child, unable to make her decisions and take responsibility for those decisions. She has no opportunity to rebel and marry a man of her choosing. If he doesn't supply the grand dowry or make the 100k salary then there is no point in trying. She must pray to God directly if she wants anything to change with her life. She can't simply say "yes" and plan her wedding like Westerners do. She must beg and pray that her father, mother, uncles and the neighbors will see the man she loves fit. And if they find him unfit?

She has no right of choice. She must be a good obedient daughter and listen to her family. Her father thinks a Pakistani man is beneath her because she is Arab? Her father thinks a fully-furnished home is the best way to 'secure' her future. What can she do? Run away with him like they do in Bollywood films? Nope. She's introduced to spintsterhood or what we call a loveless marriage.

My Message to all those parents who use Islam to control their adult children (male or female) and claim to know what's best :

You have no right to reject or agree. You have the right to advise, to explain but you don't get to call this one. You are there to support your adult children with their decisions. And if you don't? You'll have a new generation of spinsters and uncommitted men preferring dating over marriage.

**
My response to my father was simple: "Yes, dad. They are happy for their daughter although they don't fully approve ;)"

I hear wedding bells.

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