Losing Your Father: Finding Strength Through Islamic Guidance

Few losses change a person's life as profoundly as the death of a father. Whether he was your protector, your teacher, your provider, your best friend, or simply a reassuring presence in your life, his absence can leave a silence that feels impossible to fill. Even years after his passing, certain moments, a familiar scent, a family gathering, or hearing advice he once gave can bring the grief rushing back.

Islam does not ask us to pretend that this pain does not exist. Rather, it acknowledges the depth of human emotion while teaching us how to carry grief with faith, patience, and hope.

The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ himself experienced the loss of loved ones throughout his life. He lost his father before he was born, his mother when he was a young child, his beloved grandfather, his uncle Abu Talib, his devoted wife Khadijah رضي الله عنها, and several of his own children. His life reminds us that grief is not a sign of weak faith. It is part of the human experience.

When his son Ibrahim passed away, the Prophet ﷺ held him, wept, and said:

"The eyes shed tears and the heart grieves, but we do not say except that which pleases our Lord. Indeed, we are saddened by your departure, O Ibrahim."

This beautiful hadith teaches us that crying is not contrary to patience. Islam does not forbid tears. It forbids despair and objection to the decree of Allah. Feeling heartbroken while remaining content with Allah's wisdom is one of the highest forms of patience.

Allah reminds us in the Qur'an:

"Every soul shall taste death, and you will only be given your full compensation on the Day of Resurrection."

Surah Aal Imran 3:185

Death is the one certainty every family will face. Although knowing this does not remove the pain, it helps us remember that this separation is temporary. For the believer, death is not the end but the beginning of another stage of existence.

It is natural to replay memories and wish for one more conversation, one more embrace, or one more opportunity to express gratitude. If you still carry regrets, remember that Allah's mercy is vast. One of the greatest gifts Islam gives us is that our relationship with our parents does not end when they leave this world.

The Prophet ﷺ taught that when a person dies, all of their deeds come to an end except for three things. One of these is a righteous child who prays for them.

Every sincere du'a you make for your father reaches him by the permission of Allah. Asking Allah to forgive him, expand his grave, grant him light, elevate his rank, and admit him into Jannatul Firdaus is among the greatest acts of love you can offer him.

Giving charity on his behalf is another beautiful way to continue honouring him. Supporting a mosque, helping someone in need, providing water, donating Qur'ans, sponsoring education, or contributing to any ongoing charitable project can become a source of continuous reward for him if done with the intention that Allah accepts it on his behalf.

Maintaining the family ties that your father valued is also an act of righteousness. Visiting relatives, caring for your mother if she is living, checking on his friends, and preserving the values he taught are all ways of keeping his legacy alive. The Prophet ﷺ emphasised that honouring a parent's friends after their death is among the highest forms of dutifulness.

Grief often comes in waves. Some days you may feel at peace, while other days the loss feels as though it happened yesterday. This is completely natural. Healing is not about forgetting. It is about learning to carry love and loss together while continuing to trust Allah's plan.

There may also be moments when you question why Allah took your father when you still needed him. These questions often arise from pain rather than disbelief. Islam encourages us to remember that Allah is Al Hakim, the Most Wise, and Al Rahman, the Most Merciful. His wisdom extends beyond what we can understand in this life.

Allah says:

"It may be that you dislike something while it is good for you, and it may be that you love something while it is bad for you. Allah knows, and you do not know."

Surah Al Baqarah 2:216

Sometimes the greatest comfort comes not from finding all the answers but from trusting the One who knows them.

One day, every believer hopes for a reunion that will never again be interrupted by separation. Allah describes the people of Paradise as being reunited with those they loved in faith. This promise gives hope to every grieving heart. If both parent and child die upon faith, Allah can reunite them in eternal happiness where there is no death, no illness, no sadness, and no farewell.

Until that day, continue making du'a for your father. Speak well of him. Continue the good that he began. Live in a way that would make him proud before Allah. Let your character become part of his ongoing legacy.

If today your heart feels heavy because you miss your father, know that Allah sees every tear that no one else notices. He knows every silent prayer you whisper and every ache you carry. Turn to Him often, for no one heals hearts like the One who created them.

May Allah forgive all our fathers, have mercy upon them, expand and illuminate their graves, accept their good deeds, overlook their shortcomings, and grant them the highest ranks of Jannatul Firdaus. May He grant patience to every son and daughter who mourns them, replace grief with hope, and reunite believing families in Paradise where they will never be separated again. Ameen.

A Simple Way to Continue Kindness for Our Parents Through Sadaqah Jariyah

 

Losing a parent leaves a space in our hearts that never truly disappears. Even though they are no longer with us, our love for them can continue through our actions. One of the most beautiful ways to honour their memory is by giving sadaqah jariyah, a continuous charity that benefits others and, by Allah's mercy, continues to bring rewards.

The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ taught that when a person passes away, their deeds come to an end except for three things: ongoing charity, beneficial knowledge, and a righteous child who prays for them. This gives us hope that we can still do something meaningful for our parents after they have returned to Allah.

Sadaqah jariyah can take many forms. It could be helping to build a well that provides clean water, contributing towards a mosque, supporting the construction of a school, donating Qur'ans, planting trees that provide shade and fruit, or helping fund healthcare for those in need. Any charity that continues to benefit people over time can become a lasting source of reward.

When giving, make the intention that the reward is for your parents. Sincerity is what matters most. Whether your contribution is large or small, Allah knows your intention and your love for those you are remembering.

Alongside charity, never underestimate the power of making dua for your parents. Ask Allah to forgive them, grant them mercy, expand their graves with light, and admit them into Jannah. These heartfelt prayers are among the greatest gifts a child can offer.

Acts of kindness done in their name can also become a source of comfort for those left behind. Every life touched by your generosity becomes a reminder that love does not end with death. Instead, it continues through compassion, generosity, and prayer.

May Allah accept every act of charity given on behalf of our parents, forgive their shortcomings, shower them with His mercy, and reunite us with them in Jannatul Firdaus. Ameen.

Dealing with Grief and the Loss of Parents: Islamic Reflections and Comfort

 

Losing a parent is one of the most profound and heart-wrenching experiences a person can face. In Islam, the bond between a child and their parents is sacred and deeply honored. When that bond is broken by death, the pain can feel overwhelming. Yet, our faith provides us with guidance, compassion, and ways to find peace amidst the sorrow.

Grief is a natural part of being human. Even the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ shed tears upon losing his loved ones, showing that sadness does not contradict faith. What matters most is how we navigate that grief. Islam encourages believers to express their pain but to remain patient and trust in Allah’s divine wisdom. Every soul belongs to Allah, and to Him we all return. This understanding is meant to comfort the heart, reminding us that death is not an end but a transition to the eternal life.

One of the most healing reminders is that our connection with our parents does not end with their passing. The Prophet ﷺ taught that when a person dies, their deeds come to an end except for three — ongoing charity, beneficial knowledge, and a righteous child who prays for them. Through dua, we can continue to honor and benefit our parents even after they have left this world. Making dua for their forgiveness, giving charity on their behalf, and continuing the good they started are all acts of love that keep their legacy alive.

It’s also important to give yourself permission to grieve. Islam does not demand emotional suppression. It asks for patience — sabr — which is not the absence of emotion, but the choice to hold on to faith despite the pain. Surround yourself with supportive people, seek comfort in prayer, and spend time in remembrance of Allah. Reading the Qur’an, especially verses that speak of mercy and reunion in the Hereafter, can bring immense comfort to a grieving heart.

Remember that the pain of loss is a sign of love. The more we loved our parents, the deeper the ache we feel when they are gone. But Allah’s mercy is greater than any loss. He promises that those who are patient in the face of trials will receive His blessings and reward beyond measure. Holding on to this hope can transform grief into a source of closeness to Allah.

As time passes, the sharpness of the pain may fade, but the love and memories remain. Continue to make dua, give charity, and live in a way that would make your parents proud. In doing so, you keep their light shining in your life and prepare for the moment when, by Allah’s mercy, you will be reunited in the eternal gardens of peace.

Coping with the Death of a Father in Islam: Finding Peace Through Faith

 

Losing a father is one of life’s most profound tests. In Islam, the death of a parent—especially a father who has been a source of protection, guidance, and love—can leave a deep void. Yet, our faith offers both comfort and direction during such times of grief. Islam does not ask us to suppress our pain; instead, it teaches us how to process loss with patience (sabr), gratitude (shukr), and hope (tawakkul).

The first step toward healing is accepting that death is part of Allah’s divine decree. The Qur’an reminds us:

“Every soul shall taste death.”
— Surah Al-Imran (3:185)

Our fathers’ departure is not random—it is written in the Book of Decree long before our birth. Understanding that Allah, the Most Wise (Al-Hakim), has chosen the perfect time for every soul to return to Him brings a sense of surrender. Acceptance does not mean we stop missing them—it means we trust Allah’s wisdom even when our hearts ache.

It’s also important to allow yourself to grieve. The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ himself cried when his son Ibrahim passed away. He said:

“The eyes shed tears and the heart grieves, but we do not say except what pleases our Lord.”
— Sahih Bukhari

This hadith beautifully balances emotion and faith. Crying and feeling sadness are natural human responses; Islam never forbids them. What matters is that we do not despair or question Allah’s mercy.

Even after a father’s death, the bond does not end. Islam teaches us that we can continue to honor our parents through good deeds and prayers. The Prophet ﷺ said:

“When a person dies, all his deeds come to an end except three: ongoing charity, beneficial knowledge, or a righteous child who prays for him.”
— Sahih Muslim

You can keep his memory alive by giving charity in his name, reciting Qur’an for his soul, or supporting causes he cared about. Helping others, showing kindness, and living according to the values he taught you all become forms of ongoing love that reach him even in his grave.

Making du’a for your father is one of the most powerful ways to stay connected. The Qur’an encourages us to say:

“My Lord, forgive me and my parents and the believers on the Day the account is established.”
— Surah Ibrahim (14:41)

Regularly include your father in your du’as, especially after Salah, on Fridays, and during moments of quiet reflection. Each prayer is a gift of light sent to his resting place.

Islam also gives us hope that separation is temporary. If we remain steadfast in faith, we will reunite with our loved ones in Jannah, by Allah’s mercy. Allah says:

“Those who believe and whose descendants follow them in faith — We will join them with their descendants.”
— Surah At-Tur (52:21)

This promise reminds us that our fathers’ stories haven’t ended; they’ve simply moved on to a better chapter. Holding onto that hope can ease the weight of loss.

In times of grief, it helps to stay close to community. The Prophet ﷺ encouraged visiting the bereaved, offering condolences, and supporting one another. Surround yourself with family, friends, and fellow believers who remind you of Allah and help you channel your sorrow into remembrance and good deeds.

Over time, grief can transform into growth. Your father’s passing can become a moment of spiritual awakening—a reason to strengthen your connection with Allah, to be more compassionate, and to live in a way that would make him proud. In this way, your sorrow becomes a source of ongoing reward, for both you and him.

Coping with the death of a father is never easy, but Islam provides a path to healing that blends emotion with faith. Grieve with patience, remember him with du’a, and trust that Allah will reunite you in eternal peace.

“Indeed, to Allah we belong and to Him we shall return.”
— Surah Al-Baqarah (2:156)

May Allah grant your father mercy, forgive his sins, expand his grave, and reunite you with him in the highest ranks of Jannah. Ameen.

Coping with Trauma and Depression in Islam

 

Experiencing trauma and depression can be incredibly challenging, but Islam offers a comprehensive framework for finding solace, healing, and resilience. Here are some Islamic teachings and practices that can help in coping with these difficult experiences:

1. Understanding the Nature of Trials
In Islam, life is seen as a series of tests and trials, which can include trauma and depression. Recognizing that these are part of Allah's divine plan can help in finding meaning and purpose even in the midst of suffering.

“Do you think that you will enter Paradise while such [trial] has not yet come to you as came to those who passed on before you? They were touched by poverty and hardship and were shaken until [even their] messenger and those who believed with him said, 'When is the help of Allah?' Unquestionably, the help of Allah is near.” (Qur’an, 2:214)

2. Turning to Allah in Prayer and Supplication (Dua)
Seeking comfort through prayer (Salah) and supplication (Dua) is fundamental in Islam. Expressing your fears, pain, and hopes to Allah can be deeply therapeutic. Regularly performing Salah and making heartfelt Dua can provide spiritual relief.

“And your Lord says, ‘Call upon Me; I will respond to you.’” (Qur’an, 40:60)

3. Finding Peace in the Qur’an
The Qur’an is a source of guidance and healing. Reading and reflecting on its verses can provide comfort and strength. Verses such as Ayat al-Kursi (Qur’an, 2:255) and Surah Al-Duha (Qur’an, 93) are particularly known for their comforting messages.

“O mankind, there has to come to you instruction from your Lord and healing for what is in the breasts and guidance and mercy for the believers.” (Qur’an, 10:57)

4. Practicing Patience and Trust in Allah (Tawakkul)
Patience (Sabr) and trust in Allah’s plan (Tawakkul) are crucial in dealing with trauma and depression. Maintaining patience and relying on Allah’s wisdom can help believers endure and overcome difficulties.

“And be patient, for indeed, Allah does not allow to be lost the reward of those who do good.” (Qur’an, 11:115)

5. Seeking Social Support
Islam encourages seeking support from family, friends, and the community. Sharing your struggles with trusted individuals can provide emotional relief and practical assistance. The Muslim community is meant to support one another, especially in times of hardship.

“The believers are but brothers, so make settlement between your brothers. And fear Allah that you may receive mercy.” (Qur’an, 49:10)

6. Engaging in Acts of Worship and Good Deeds
Engaging in acts of worship, charity, and good deeds can have a positive impact on mental health. These actions not only bring spiritual rewards but also foster a sense of purpose and connection with others.

“Those who believe and do righteous deeds - a good state is theirs and a good return.” (Qur’an, 13:29)

7. Utilizing Professional Help
Seeking help from mental health professionals is important and encouraged in Islam. Therapy, counseling, and medication can be beneficial for managing trauma and depression. Islam recognizes the importance of taking care of one’s health, including mental health.

8. Engaging in Self-Care
Taking care of your physical health through proper nutrition, exercise, and rest is essential. Practices like deep breathing, mindfulness, and relaxation techniques can help in managing symptoms of trauma and depression.

9. Maintaining Hope and Gratitude
Maintaining hope and gratitude can transform one’s outlook. Reflecting on Allah’s blessings, no matter how small, and focusing on positive aspects of life can foster resilience.

“If you are grateful, I will surely increase you [in favor]; but if you deny, indeed, My punishment is severe.” (Qur’an, 14:7)

Conclusion
Coping with trauma and depression is a multifaceted process, but Islam offers a holistic approach to finding peace and healing. By turning to prayer, practicing patience, seeking support, and maintaining hope, believers can navigate through their struggles with faith and resilience. Remember that Allah is always with you, and through His guidance and mercy, you can find strength and recovery.

May Allah grant healing and ease to all those who are suffering from trauma and depression. Ameen.

Coping with Extreme Loss in Islam

 

Experiencing extreme loss is one of the most challenging aspects of life. In Islam, loss is viewed through a spiritual lens, providing believers with a framework to cope and find solace. Here are some Islamic teachings and practices that can help in coping with extreme loss:

1. Understanding the Nature of Life and Loss
Islam teaches that life in this world is temporary and a test from Allah (SWT). Every soul will face trials and tribulations, including loss. Recognizing that these tests are part of Allah's divine plan can help in accepting and understanding the nature of loss.

“And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient.” (Qur’an, 2:155)

2. Seeking Comfort in Prayer and Remembrance (Dhikr)
Regular prayer (Salah) and the remembrance of Allah (Dhikr) can provide immense comfort during times of grief. Turning to Allah in supplication, reciting the Qur’an, and engaging in Dhikr can help ease the heart and mind.

“Those who have believed and whose hearts are assured by the remembrance of Allah. Unquestionably, by the remembrance of Allah hearts are assured.” (Qur’an, 13:28)

3. Practicing Patience and Perseverance (Sabr)
Patience (Sabr) is a crucial virtue in Islam, especially in the face of loss. Embracing patience helps in maintaining faith and composure during difficult times. The reward for patience is immense, as promised by Allah.

“Indeed, the patient will be given their reward without account.” (Qur’an, 39:10)

4. Turning to the Qur’an for Guidance
The Qur’an is a source of guidance, comfort, and healing. Reading and reflecting on its verses can provide solace and understanding during times of loss. Certain verses, like Ayat al-Kursi (Qur’an, 2:255) and Surah Al-Fatiha, are particularly comforting.

5. Connecting with the Community
In times of grief, it is important to seek support from family, friends, and the broader Muslim community. Sharing your feelings and receiving emotional and spiritual support from others can be very healing. Islam encourages believers to support one another, especially during times of hardship.

“The believers are but a single brotherhood...” (Qur’an, 49:10)

6. Making Dua (Supplication)
Making Dua is a powerful way to seek Allah’s help and comfort. Pouring your heart out to Allah and asking for strength, patience, and healing can provide relief. Trust that Allah hears and responds to every supplication.

“And your Lord says, ‘Call upon Me; I will respond to you.’” (Qur’an, 40:60)

7. Giving Charity (Sadaqah)
Engaging in acts of charity on behalf of the deceased can be a source of comfort and reward. This can include donating to a cause, providing for the needy, or sponsoring beneficial projects in their name. These acts of charity can bring peace to both the giver and the departed soul.

“If a person dies, his deeds are cut off except for three: a continuing charity, beneficial knowledge, or a righteous child who prays for him.” (Hadith, Muslim)

8. Reflecting on the Afterlife
Belief in the afterlife and the reunion with loved ones in Jannah (Paradise) is a fundamental part of Islamic faith. This belief provides hope and consolation that the separation is temporary and that eternal happiness awaits the believers.

“Indeed, those who have believed and done righteous deeds - they will have the Gardens of Paradise as a lodging.” (Qur’an, 18:107)

Conclusion
Coping with extreme loss is a profound challenge, but Islam offers a comprehensive framework to navigate through it. By turning to prayer, practicing patience, seeking support, and maintaining faith, believers can find comfort and resilience in the face of loss. Remember that Allah is always with you, and through His guidance, you can find the strength to endure and heal.

May Allah grant patience and ease to all those who are grieving and reunite them with their loved ones in the highest ranks of Jannah. Ameen.

Coping with Grief and Trauma: Islamic Advice

Grief and trauma are natural parts of the human experience, affecting individuals in various ways. In Islam, there are profound teachings and guidance on how to navigate through these challenging times with patience, faith, and resilience. This blog post aims to provide practical Islamic advice on coping with grief and trauma.

Seeking Patience through Prayer and Supplication:

Turn to Allah (SWT) in prayer and supplication during times of distress. The Quran teaches us that Allah is the Most Merciful and Compassionate, and He is always there to listen to our prayers.
Establishing a consistent prayer routine can bring peace and solace to the heart. Engage in regular Salah, seeking solace in the remembrance of Allah.
Understanding Qadr (Predestination) and Acceptance:

Recognize that everything happens according to the will of Allah (SWT). Reflect on the concept of Qadr and understand that trials and tribulations are tests from Allah.
Acceptance of Qadr doesn't mean suppressing emotions but rather acknowledging the divine wisdom behind every event.
Seeking Support from Community and Counselors:

In Islam, community support is highly emphasized. Seek solace and support from family, friends, and the wider Muslim community.
Additionally, consider seeking professional counseling or therapy from practitioners who understand Islamic values and perspectives.
Engaging in Acts of Sadaqah (Charity) and Kindness:

Channel your grief into acts of kindness and charity. Giving in charity not only benefits those in need but also brings immense spiritual rewards and inner peace.
Engaging in voluntary acts of worship, such as fasting, can also serve as a means of drawing closer to Allah and finding solace in difficult times.
Strengthening Faith through Quranic Reflection and Dhikr:

Turn to the Quran for guidance and solace. Reflect on verses that provide comfort and reassurance during times of grief and trauma.
Engage in frequent Dhikr (remembrance) of Allah, such as reciting SubhanAllah (Glory be to Allah), Alhamdulillah (All praise is due to Allah), and Allahu Akbar (Allah is the Greatest).
Maintaining Self-Care and Healthy Coping Mechanisms:

Take care of your physical and mental well-being. Ensure you get enough rest, eat healthily, and engage in regular exercise.
Avoid harmful coping mechanisms such as excessive isolation, substance abuse, or negative behaviors.
Being Patient and Trusting in Allah's Plan:

Trust in Allah's plan and have patience during difficult times. Remember that trials are temporary, and Allah's mercy is vast.
Keep faith that Allah (SWT) is the best of planners, and He will guide you through every hardship.
Conclusion:
In times of grief and trauma, turning to Islamic teachings and practices can provide immense comfort and strength. By seeking patience, understanding Qadr, seeking support, engaging in acts of kindness, strengthening faith, maintaining self-care, and trusting in Allah's plan, individuals can navigate through these challenging times with resilience and inner peace. May Allah grant us all the strength to overcome adversity and draw closer to Him through every trial we face. Ameen.

Coping with Grief and Bereavement: Islamic Guidance for Healing

Losing a loved one is an inevitable part of life, yet it remains one of the most challenging experiences we may face. The pain of grief can feel overwhelming, leaving us feeling lost, confused, and even questioning our faith. However, Islam offers profound guidance on how to cope with grief and bereavement, providing solace and support during these difficult times. In this blog post, we'll explore some Islamic teachings and practices that can help in the healing process.

Understanding the Nature of Life and Death: Islam teaches us that life and death are both part of Allah's divine plan. The Quran reminds us, "Every soul will taste death" (Quran 3:185). Recognizing death as a natural transition can provide comfort and acceptance in times of grief.

Seeking Patience and Perseverance: Patience (Sabr) is a central tenet of Islamic faith, especially during times of adversity. Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said, "Patience is at the first stroke of calamity" (Sahih al-Bukhari). Through patience, we can endure the pain of loss while maintaining our faith and trust in Allah's wisdom.

Turning to Prayer and Remembrance: Prayer (Salah) is a powerful tool for finding peace and solace in times of grief. Establishing a connection with Allah through regular prayers can provide comfort and strength. Additionally, engaging in Dhikr (remembrance of Allah) and reading Quranic verses can soothe the heart and uplift the spirit.

Community Support and Compassion: In Islam, the community plays a vital role in supporting those who are grieving. It is incumbent upon fellow Muslims to offer condolences, provide assistance, and offer prayers for the deceased and their family. Seeking support from loved ones and community members can alleviate feelings of isolation and loneliness.

Charitable Acts and Sadaqah: Engaging in acts of charity (Sadaqah) on behalf of the deceased is considered beneficial in Islam. By giving to those in need, we honor the memory of our loved ones and continue their legacy of kindness and generosity.

Reflecting on the Hereafter: Islam teaches us to reflect on the transient nature of this worldly life and the eternal Hereafter. Remembering that our ultimate destination is with Allah can provide hope and perspective amidst grief. The Quran says, "To Allah we belong, and to Him is our return" (Quran 2:156).

Seeking Professional Help if Needed: While spiritual practices can provide immense comfort, it's essential to recognize when additional support is required. Seeking guidance from counselors, therapists, or support groups specialized in grief counseling is not contrary to Islamic teachings but rather a proactive step towards healing.

In conclusion, coping with grief and bereavement is a deeply personal journey, but Islamic teachings offer invaluable guidance and support along the way. By turning to Allah, practicing patience, seeking community support, and engaging in acts of charity, we can navigate through the pain of loss with faith, resilience, and hope for the Hereafter. May Allah grant us all patience and strength during times of sorrow, and may He grant peace and mercy to the departed souls. Ameen.

As a Muslim Mariam lives the 'five before five' — and finds meaning and balance as a death doula

"I collided head on with a truck, the car caught on fire. It was a huge emergency operation," says Mariam Ardati.

It was one of those car accidents "you think nobody could have survived."

When she crawled out of the wreckage of her car, Mariam was amazed to see that she didn't have a single scratch on her.

As a body builder, Mariam had considered herself invincible at the time — at the peak of her fitness.

The close brush with death turned her thoughts to what would have happened to her body under Islamic tradition if she had in fact, died.

"I walked away thinking, 'where would I have been buried? What would have happened to all my things?'"

After recovering from the trauma of the accident, Mariam says she walked into a funeral parlour and said, "teach me, show me what happens when someone dies".

The experience prompted a spiritual journey to reconnect with the Sunni Muslim faith she had grown up with.

"I was largely self-centred up until that accident happened," she told RN's Soul Search, "and it helped me find purpose and meaning."

For the last 15 years she has helped other people in the Muslim community through the transition from life into death — as a doula.

Mariam supports the dying and their families in the lead up to death, then leads the ritual care for the body of the deceased.

Mariam says women have always performed the final rites for other women.

She wants people to know that there is a range of jobs that family members can do to assist after their loved one has passed away.

Supporting the head, washing the body and brushing the hair are all meaningful ways to care for the deceased.

Mariam describes how she bathes a body an odd number of times, starting with three.

"The first wash is done with soapy water. The second is with clean fresh water. And the third is water that's poured over the body that's been infused with camphor."

Then family members will wrap their loved one in a death shroud that has been perfumed with incense.

"This is afforded to every Muslim that passes away," she says.

Mariam recalls a woman she worked with who didn't think she could enter the room where her mother's body was undergoing the ritual washing.

"She stood at the door of the mortuary and said, 'I don't think I can do this, this is just too much for me'."

Mariam reassured her that she could just watch.

The woman saw the water running, saw Mariam stroking her mum's hair and talking to her, offering prayers.

By the end of the whole process, the woman had taken over.

"I took a step back and watched her — with a lot of tears and a lot of emotion — go through each ritual in its entirety."

Mariam says seeing a daughter perform these last rites for her mother "as she's working through her emotions and coming to terms with her grief is such a powerful thing to witness".

She recalls many women who say, "I'm so grateful for the fact that I was able to honour my mother in that way," or "I was able to hold my sister one last time".

Muslim burial rituals have a "very human touch", says Professor Mohamad Abdalla, referring to the practice of men going down into a grave to lower a body in with their hands, sans coffin.

Mohamad is the director of the Centre for Islamic Thought and Education at the University of South Australia.

He explains that the body is positioned with the head facing Mecca, the traditional direction of prayer.

"With the soil of the grave they make a small pillow to lay his or her head," Mohamad says.

Three quarters of the way up the grave, small edges are carved out to hold several planks of wood.

"The soil is poured over the planks of wood, not touching the body of the deceased, essentially leaving about half a metre ... for the circulation of air for natural decomposition."

Muslim death ritual requires the body be buried as quickly as possible, which can be difficult in the event of a sudden death.

"It's an honour to bury the deceased within 24 hours," Mariam says.

She's referring to the belief that after death, the soul ascends and is given "the glad tidings of heaven".

When the two are reunited in burial, the soul shares that news with the body, remaining connected throughout the process.

Organ donation and autopsies can complicate the ritual and throw timing off.

"We do exercise our rights to object to an invasive post-mortem, as do other faiths and communities," Mariam explains.

"We believe that process is an undignified act."

However, there are alternatives for Muslims, for instance in the case of an unexplained or suspicious death, explains Mohamad.

"In the classical Islamic civilisation, autopsy was undertaken to understand the human body and blood circulation."

Beyond autopsy, medical procedures after death are technically allowed, because preservation of life is one of the most important objectives of Islamic law, Mohamad says.

He explains that as long as the donor or their family consents voluntarily, organs are not sold, and the organs are healthy, it is a highly virtuous act.

These are the things I wish I had known when my dad was dying. And some of them are things I intend to do now to prepare for my own death.
"But the minority viewpoint says a person has no right to dispose of their body as they wish, because it is a trust from God," he says.

Much of Mariam's energy is directed to increasing death literacy in the community — helping people become accustomed to the idea of dying.

She encourages the same open approach at home with her own children, in a "mother-daughter bonding exercise".

"I have cut my own [death] shroud, and I had my daughter by my side with the measuring tape saying, 'No mum, that's too short, we need to make it longer this way'."

Mariam sees her job as an opportunity to serve God through caring for other people.

"When you're living the life of a Muslim, you're living between two states," she explains.

One of those refers to "fearing retribution or the accountability of your sins", and the other is "believing in the hope and mercy of God"

Mariam says she looks for the balance between the two.

It's a sense of purpose that leads to an understanding that "your actions have consequences, and that you're part of a larger social context".

A Muslim is encouraged "to take advantage of what's known as the five before five," she explains.

"Your health before sickness, your life before you're overcome with death, your free time before you become busy, your youth before your old age and your wealth before you become poor."

Mariam says Muslims' relationship with God is "underpinned by the understanding that God is the provider of infinite love, compassion and mercy".

But for a person to earn that favour, she or he must live a life that's conducive to those values.

In death, Mariam sees our final transition as a deeply communal responsibility, one that she is humbled to be part of.

She says she's glad her own encounter with a near-fatal accident showed her that she wasn't invincible.

Rather, it gave her a sense of purpose and meaning.

"I didn't find that in the world of the living — I found it in the world of the dead."

Link

Wife of Christchurch terror attack victim's emotional, loving response to tragedy

On Grief and Patience - Khutbah by Nouman Ali Khan