Who Are the Awliyaa (Friends of Allah)?

Ustadh Nouman Ali Khan: The meaning of SubhanAllah

Beautiful explanation by recent lecture by Br. Nouman Ali Khan, worth a watch.

Learning how to love the right way

“And [yet], among the people are those who take other than Allah as equals [to Him]. They love them as they [should] love Allah. But those who believe are stronger in love for Allah. And if only they who have wronged would consider [that] when they see the punishment, [they will be certain] that all power belongs to Allah and that Allah is severe in punishment.” (Qur’an 2:165)

He was sure he finally found her.  “She must be the one,” he thought.  After learning more about her for several months, he decided to fly to the city to meet her. He had tried so many times before, but he finally felt like this was it. Because this time, he was doing it the “right way.” It would be a big event with thousands of people. He would meet her in public. She’d be with friends. No risk of being alone.  For the first time, he was able to ask a lady, “Will you marry me?”  The only problem was, as soon as he said those words, he learnt that she was in a relationship. What does he do now?

Stop. Absorb. Reflect.

Ask yourself this question: at what point does love become immoral?  Is it even possible that love can be immoral?  Were we not taught that love is always a beautiful thing?  From what I recall, love is always pure, love is always good, love is always right.  What he experienced for her could have been love, but given the circumstances, it was only destructive.

This story is important to understand in the context of submitting to Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He).  Why?  The importance of submitting to God can be no better understood than through the example of love. To know God requires that one loves God. And to love God requires the condition of complete submission.  The lover never wishes to disappoint the beloved. It would be impossible, then, that one knows God and disobeys Him intentionally.  To believe in God is different from submitting to God. Belief encompasses a sense of acknowledgment while submission encompasses love and veneration for something’s existence.  We must strive to love God and to love through God.  We must seek to love only where love is pure.  Because love outside The Source (God) becomes a force of hawa (desire), a means of destruction, degradation, communal strife, jealousy, deception, immorality, and hate. Without The Source, love becomes chaotic.  What happens when love is not attached to The Source? Love turns to lust.  Love turns to desire.  Love turns to hate. It is as one of the great English poets once said:

“The expense of spirit in a waste of shame/ Is lust in action; and till action, lust/ Is perjured, murderous, bloody, full of blame,/ Savage, extreme, rude, cruel, not to trust/… All this the world well knows; yet none knows well./  To shun the heaven that leads men to this hell.” (Shakespeare)

The danger of love is when one is commanded by the nafs (the self, the ego), it can be very difficult to tell the difference between love and lust, love and hate, love and pleasure. Because love is so powerful, it can become an object of worship itself.  So many times we like to limit the concept of worship to actual physical alters, but the more dangerous and more real concept of worship is more abstract, more powerful, more universal. To better understand this, let’s look at some concepts that are synonymous to worship:

adore, idolize, venerate, revere, admire, appreciate, be in awe of, cherish, esteem, exalt

Every one of those concepts relates to the idea of love.  How different is love from worship? There is a fine line.  This is why it is so critical to love through God.  Love can easily turn into a form of worship, and once you worship more than one thing, it can only lead to the impairment of the heart. Allah (swt) says in the Quran:

“Had there been within the heavens and earth gods besides God, they both would have been ruined. So exalted is Allah, Lord of the Throne, above what they describe.” (Qur’an 21:22)

Love, when not established through Him (swt), becomes an object of worship itself. And when you have competing objects of worship in you heart, it can only lead to much harm.  Love outside of The Source, becomes corrupt. This is why Allah (swt) discusses several forms of love in the Qur’an.  When the wife of the Vizier tried to seduce Prophet Yusuf `alayhi as-salaam(peace be upon him), Allah (swt) tells us through the people of the city that it was through love that the wife of the Pharaoh was “impassioned” to seduce him. It was through love that she was tempted to commit an immoral act:

“And women in the city said, “The wife of al-’Azeez is seeking to seduce her slave boy; he has impassioned her with love (hubb). Indeed, we see her [to be] in clear error.”” (Qur’an 12:30)

So what is the difference between the concept of hubb (from the root H-b-b) in the former verse and the word mawaddah (from the root w-d-d) in the following verse?

“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” (Qur’an 30:21)

Let’s take a look at the definition for hubb:

{lovely/pleasing/charming, take pleasure in a thing, be fatigued or tired, form a thing into something else, fill or satiate a thing (with water or drink), become clotted/form a clot}

Now let’s look at the definition for mawaddah:

{to love, be fond of, will, long}

Is the difference not clear enough? The hubb form of love is in the physical world, and therefore anyone can experience it even outside of God. But those who do experience it outside of God will suffer, they will break, they will find themselves lonely. This is why it’s important to seek all love, including hubb, through God. The other form of love (mawaddah) is a love that comes only through the blessing of Allah (swt).  By the way, the form of love classified as mawaddah in the latter verse is placed side-by-side with rahma (mercy).  So that means that mawaddah and mercy complement each other.  Mercy encompasses sacrifice, tolerance, compassion, and generosity. Mawaddah is a form of love that is bestowed upon the human heart through Him and only through Him (swt). Hubb is more of a phenomenon of the physical world, and can therefore be experienced by anyonel. However, hubb outside the Source causes fatigue and lust.

So how do we protect ourselves from the dangerous forms of love and seek mawaddah?  A dear friend once told me, “Only let God in your heart, and keep everything else in your hand.”  The `ulema (scholars) say the Prophet ﷺ (peace be upon him) had the world in his hand but only had Allah (swt) in his heart. This is what we must train ourselves to do. Anything that we allow into our hearts should only be through God and by God (e.g. mawaddah).  Of course, many will claim doing so is too difficult or requires too much work. This is not entirely true; everything worthwhile takes effort.

This can be better understood through an analogy.  When you prepare for guests to enter your home, what do you do? You anticipate their arrival. You convince yourself that they will show up to your home at some point, by God’s will. So you prepare for their arrival by cleaning the house. You put everything in its place.  You take out the trash.  You clean the dishes.  Why is it that we don’t hesitate when it comes to cleaning the home?  When someone is preparing to come over we don’t say, “It’s going to take too long to clean the home,” or “It’s too complicated, I’ll just leave the house the way it is.”  No.  What we tell ourselves is “There is a lot of house cleaning to do, but I will start by cleaning a room, then cleaning an entire floor, and I will end by cleaning the entire house.”  This is precisely the type of internal conversation we need to have with ourselves when it comes to the metaphysical.  When we want to prepare our hearts for the mawaddah of Allah (swt), and for the guests He invites into our hearts through His mawaddah, we need to take it one step at a time. Allah (swt) says in the Quran:

“[Adhere to it], turning in repentance to Him, and fear Him and establish prayer and do not be of those who associate others with Allah.”  (Qur’an 30:31)

So when we want to cleanse our hearts of hubb (that exists outside the Source) and other worldly idols and prepare it for Hismawaddah, we are instructed to do a few things:

1. Repent
2. Have taqwa (God consciousness)
3. Establish obligatory prayers/ worship/ dhikr (remembrance of God)
4. Dissociate from all idols of the heart

Starting with repentance is important because it opens our hearts to Allah (swt)’s mercy and rahma.  By first seeking God’s forgiveness, you prepare yourself for true submission. Tawbah (repentance) is one of the greatest ways of submitting one’s heart to Allah (swt). It is perhaps the quickest way to “fall in love” with Him. It is a means that acts a channel to drive one closer to God (taqwa). Imam ibn al- Jawziyyah once said:

“The state of repentance, tawbah, is at the beginning, the middle and the end of all states of submission to the will of Allah (swt). The servant who seeks the pleasure of Allah (swt) never abandons tawbah. He remains in the state of tawbah until his death. Whatever his state of belief, the servant makes tawbah his constant companion.”

Once our hearts are open to His mercy, we are prepared for the next step: to worship Him the right way.  Through worship we build a deep love by turning to Him five times a day and confessing our love seventeen times a day when we say, “Only through you we seek help and assistance,” (Qur’an 1). Along with establishing prayers, one should be in constant dhikr of Allah (swt). What happens when you love someone? You can’t stop thinking about them. What keeps that love alive? What keeps that love intense and fertile? The thoughts you have for that person.  The love for Allah (swt) works the same way. Once you love Allah (swt), you continue to grow your love for Him and you intensify your love for Him through dhikr.  There are many ways to remember God.  Some ways we already know of are by praising Him using phrases like subhan Allah (glory be to God) or ma sha’ Allah (what God wills).  We can also invoke His beautiful names like al-Waddud, which means the Affectionate and the Most Loving.

Keep in mind that the above steps will help us ward off allowing any idols to enter our heart. They will prepare our hearts for the love of God, and will defend it from all intruders. In the end though, we must also acknowledge that sometimes (but very rarely) the love we have for someone regardless of whether it is hubb or mawaddah never leaves the soul.  It will be a trial for some people as long as they are alive. It will be a source of pain, unease, wonderment, and broken-heartedness. But is this really a bad thing? It has been reported on several occasions that Allah (swt) said,  “I am with those whose hearts are broken (munkasirah) for My sake,”  (Hadith Qudsi). So for as long as you may be broken, even if it is a lifetime, remember “with hardship will be ease.” With hardship, you will find your source of relief.

Source

Kristiane Backer: On the search for God

 

"As a journalist, as a communicator, I was itching to speak out, because a lot of times the media portrayed Islam so differently to this beautiful religion and how it really, truly is,” says Kristiane Backer on her sentiments in the years following her high-profile conversion to Islam.

Speaking to Today's Zaman, Backer speaks about her new book, Islamophobia in Europe, meeting Imran Khan and the journey which led her to the “beautiful values” of a religion which allows for her to look at the world differently.

Backer's journey began in 1995. Europe was shocked by the news that this well-known MTV presenter was converting to Islam. She had experienced the glitz and glamour of showbiz, rubbing shoulders with the likes of Bob Geldof, Mick Jagger, David Bowie and Annie Lenox; she had lived the so-called “high life,” hanging out with celebrities, being flown across continents, presenting MTV Video Music Awards (VMAs) and being invited to the most exclusive parties. Hers was a world that had no association with religion, far from any kind of spiritually.

However, at the height of her career, she met famous cricketer and current leader of Pakistan's political party Tehreek-e-Insaf (Movement for Justice) Imran Khan -- a relationship that changed the course of her life forever. Through her travels in Pakistan she began a personal quest in which she encountered a completely different world to the one she knew, a world which was dominated by a love of God.
Kristiane Backer's new book “From MTV to Mecca” -- or, as Bob Geldof prefers to say, “From Babe to Burqa” -- takes the reader on a journey of self-discovery. Through her travels from Pakistan to Bosnia, Hamburg to Saudi Arabia, LA to London, we follow Backer's quest for true freedom and true liberation. As she herself so beautifully writes: “The more I traveled on the path to God, the more I felt His blessings, and my faith grew into a strong, unshakeable tree. My heart had found another home.”

Can you give us a brief insight into your book “From MTV to Mecca”? Why did you write the book?
I wrote the book because there is a lot of Islamophobia in Europe, which I also experienced myself when in 1995 I became a Muslim. I was an award-winning presenter at the time, presenting shows on MTV; I had my own youth show in Germany, and when it came out that I was a Muslim I was sacked from my show, and with that pretty much my career on TV in Germany ended. For years agents have told me, “If you ever want to work on TV again, don't speak about Islam.” So I listened to their advice and I spent those years deepening my faith and learning about Islam, traveling, etc. But of course as a journalist, as a communicator, I was itching to speak out, because a lot of times the media portrayed Islam so differently to this beautiful religion and how it really, truly is. I wanted to speak out, and eventually I went on the Hajj when I was 40 years old, and that was reported very positively in the German press. A book agent came to me and asked me, “Would you like to write your story in a book?” and I thought, “Great!” My time had come to try and redress some prejudices, and try to take the reader by the hand and show how I dissolved the prejudices I initially had against Islam, and how I discovered the beautiful values of the religion and tried to practice some of them before I became a Muslim.
You had this glamorous job, a lifestyle envied by many people. What was it? What was lacking?
It was the connection to the divine, really, that was lacking. God was lacking in my life, to put it in a nutshell. Yes, I had everything a young person dreams of: partying, interviewing rock stars for a living, announcing videos, getting red carpet treatment wherever we were traveling with a team, but I was inwardly not truly satisfied.

How much about Islam did you know before you converted?
I was introduced to Islam in 1992, by none other than handsome sportsman Imran Khan, not an imam with a long beard. He was cricket captain at that time and just had won the World Cup, but I knew nothing about cricket, so he didn't mean anything to me. But he became my first teacher of Islam, so I studied for three years, I read a lot of books, I traveled to Pakistan many times, I asked scholars so many questions, as well as ordinary people in London and Pakistan. I studied for three years and then I converted, for myself, not for anybody else.

Tell us a bit about your experiences traveling around the Muslim world post your conversion. What were your initial reactions to the region? Did it differ greatly from your expectations and common Western conceptions?
Well, we don't have much of a conception; you don't hear much about Pakistan, except for negative news, so I loved it from the moment I got there. It's such a beautiful country with a very stunning landscape and mountains and lush green fields and deserts. People were very friendly and enormously generous, offering us their last bits and pieces, even in the poor mountainous areas… My trips put a lot of things in perspective and really made me think.
I was shuttling between the two worlds for a few years and really had key moments. In the West, time is money, and people don't have time for each other anymore because there are so many pressures. Also the sacred is completely lacking from people's lives here. Faith is pretty much marginalized, unfortunately, in the West, and with my book I am also trying to put faith back onto the map. So yes, in Pakistan God was everywhere, everybody did everything in the name of God, and also sacrificed themselves for others and for the sake of God, to please God.
You said that Imran Khan was the tool of God to make you convert. Could you explain what aspect of his belief influenced you the most?
It's not only one thing really. I was quite inspired by the way he built a charitable hospital in Lahore where the poor would be treated free of charge. And with an army of volunteers they worked day and night to raise the funds for the hospital, as a service to God in a way. So that was really impressive. In fact, he gave up his entire career to become a charity worker, to fulfill his promise to build this hospital, so that was quite amazing. It was really his whole philosophy, seeing the world through Muslim eyes, and I hadn't encountered that before. He had a slightly different view of the world, keeping the afterlife in mind for example, than people who don't have faith do. So for the first time I met somebody who so passionately believed in God and tried to better his own iman (faith) and study. And actually, as I had always liked philosophy, I was thrilled and I was captivated from the first moment. I started reading, looking into this.

In your book you mention the Naqshibandi [a Sufi spiritual order, or tariqa]. What was it about this tariqa that appealed to you? Do you still have connections to this Sufi order?
The Naqshibandi are a beautiful Sufi group, a beautiful tariqa. One of many I suppose, but predominantly based in Turkey, Iraq, Central Asia and so on. They are serious and their teachings are very profound and beautiful, and they're like some of the people I met. And at the time I also enjoyed what the sheikh taught us. I was a beginner and it was what I needed at that time. He said, “Prayers are your animal to ride to heaven, basically.” He stressed the importance of prayers and all sorts of things, seeing life from a spiritual perspective. In fact, when I converted, around that time all this turmoil happened, and I lost my job and my love. It was the Sufism in the Naqshibandi mosque that helped me see the events from a spiritual perspective, from a higher level. And I learned about the benefits of suffering… For a believer it's a win-win scenario: When things go wrong and you go through tests and trials you'll be purified, and that's good for you, and when everything goes really well it's a blessing from God.
After your travels and study of Islam, what do you think of Turkey's contribution to Islamic philosophy and culture?
Obviously Sufism and Islamic philosophy are the historical roots of the Ottoman Empire, and it's tremendous and something that goes back 800 years or more, in which a lot of philosophers and sheiks and masters have contributed to Islamic thought and philosophy -- so the heritage is incredibly rich. Unfortunately, as we all know, it got squashed during the [Mustafa Kemal] Atatürk times, so spirituality and Sufism became forbidden and you were liable to be caught by the police if you were to meet together and pray together. I think that's all quite sad, but as far as I understand it's all changing again.

Apart from the obvious implications with regard to your career, what were the reactions of friends and family on hearing about your conversion?
Well, my family didn't know what to make of it. They didn't necessarily understand why I embraced Islam. We had a lot of discussions and debates, and nowadays they support me. They support me because I am happy, and if it makes me happy they're fine with that. As Bob Geldof very kindly said in an interview, I'm not that different. I'm still who I am at the core, although I've changed many things; my core nature is still the same. So it's not like they can't recognize me anymore.

You had a lot of affiliations with VIPs before and after you converted. Did your belief change your perception of these people and vice versa?
My belief and my growing value system changed my views on everything, on the entertainment business and on people. Now I see people through different eyes and value them in a different way… That is the beauty of religion. It gives you the strength and power to stand up and to really follow one path, never mind whether it's hip or not. All that is irrelevant, when you think deeply about it. So Bob in my view is still an extraordinary human being, what he does for humanity, the poor and also for his children and for the people in his home. Charity starts at home, so our number one priority is whether we are a good person at home.
It's been a long journey of discovery, being a Muslim. I also had to learn that sadly not all Muslims who pray and fast are honest and good people; they may pray and fast and cheat and lie for the rest of their lives. I don't know how this goes together. It's always puzzling to me, but I guess it means their faith is superficial.

Did the negative media coverage in Germany change your attitude towards your home country?
I live in London for good reasons. It is because I feel that here I am accepted for who I am. There is a very vibrant Muslim scene going on, and it's just far more interesting and international. In Germany I feel things are just a little backwards when it comes to Islam and dialogue and dealing with Muslims in general.

You talk about the intense Islamophobia prevalent at the time of your conversion. Can you expand on this? How has the situation changed more recently, in particular post-9/11 and the Arab Spring?
In London I didn't experience any problems. That is why I stayed here. I think there are two trends: One is a good trend and one a negative trend. On the one hand, we have more access to halal food and halal products, and in fact the whole halal market is worth a staggering $2.1 trillion and consumer marketers and businesses are flocking to it. It's a vast untapped market, and it's becoming interesting for the economy and for businesses. Even fashion labels like Chanel and Zara cater for Muslims nowadays, making longer clothes -- tunics have become more fashionable… That's all great, but on the other hand there is a lot of Islamophobia going on -- and that's why I wrote my book and why I'm trying to get the message out, ideally to the mainstream -- obviously after 9/11, and nowadays with the awful things happening in the Middle East and the American ambassador being murdered over the derogatory film about Muhammad (peace be upon him). The film was terrible, but it is no reason to murder someone. So these events don't help, and unfortunately they'll hold us back.

Why did you wait years after your conversion in 1995 to publicly speak about Islam?
After losing all my jobs I was quite traumatized, since being a Muslim had seriously affected my career. However, hopefully things are turning around now, so that was one reason. I couldn't take it, it was so bad what happened, the negative press campaign. Also, I wanted to make a contribution but I also felt I wasn't quite ready to tell my story. I hadn't arrived yet. After MTV, what could I have talked about? My knowledge wasn't great enough, and the sheikh at the time recommended, “Put your din [religion] first into stabilizing your faith and really feeling comfortable with it.” I am so pleased about this advice, because now I can talk about Islam with great confidence, with some kind of knowledge, after some 20 years of reading into it.

You were a part of the Inspired by Muhammad campaign. Can you tell us a little about this?
Two years ago we had posters of different slogans of Muhammad (peace be upon him) and his teachings on buses, tubes and taxis, and my slogan was, “I believe in the environment. So does Muhammad (peace be upon him).” Just to shatter some of those misconceptions. We did this on the back of a YouGov [a market research agency] study that in the UK 50 percent [of people] associated Islam with terrorism, 58 percent with violence and 69 percent with the oppression of women. This shows what generally the people out here think, and it's a lot worse in Europe, so we all have a lot of work to do.

What does Islam give to you as a woman?
It gives me dignity as a woman. I'm respected as a person and I'm not constantly a sexual object. For example, when I worked for a Muslim TV station, Ebru TV, everybody was so respectful, nobody made a pass, whereas at Western TV stations often the language is gutter and it's all about flirtation and so on. And generally Western mainstream society is so sexualized, everything is innuendo and flirtation and so on, whereas in a Muslim context that doesn't happen. People are very respectful, and I really like that.

If we look at another famous convert -- Cat Stevens -- he shied away from music, performing, etc. to begin with. However, more recently his stance has mellowed and he's admitted to perhaps misunderstanding his faith early on. The longer you've been a Muslim, has your relationship with the religion changed?
I think it's a continued involvement. For me, it's a way of perhaps submitting, surrendering more gradually. I can't say it was opposite; it was different use of Islam, and luckily, alhamdulillah, I didn't have his influences and was exposed to different kinds of teaching -- more spiritually minded. The longer I've been a Muslim, the more I've surrendered as time has progressed. Before I couldn't speak out; nowadays I am more active and outspoken about this beautiful religion. I am not quiet anymore.

How can Islam and the West, in your opinion, live more comfortably going forward?
I have a very positive view. It can only get a lot better as more and more Muslims are born in the West and go through the education system and take up jobs in the mainstream and not remain in the Muslim bubble. Only through personal encounters can you dispel misconceptions. Suddenly you hear about something you have no idea about and you change your mind so I think it's very important to engage, to interact with society and not remain in your comfort zone. And unfortunately that is what happens in Germany and from both sides.

There are many young Muslim girls who would love to emigrate from Mecca to MTV, but you went from MTV to Mecca. What is your message to them?
Read my book and be inspired. I've been there and done that and it doesn't give happiness ultimately. You find happiness in faith and you can still be watching your MTV, but if you have that treasure of faith, then that is the greatest tool for happiness and contentment. It's not in consumerism. It's not in MTV.
Source

Why Would I Leave Islam?

Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

It’s my anniversary, well, sort of.  Eighteen years ago on Labor Day weekend, a Sunday, I said my Shahadah.  I was standing in the front lobby of the Islamic Society of Greater Kansas City.  I had just attended a class for the sisters, and everyone had left.  The only ones still in the building were the Imaam, me, and some guy vacuuming.  I was nervous.  I had talked about saying my Shahadah with the ladies in the class; I planned to do it next week when when a certain significant friend could be there to witness, but they urged me to not delay, using the “what if you get hit by a bus?” argument.  “It’s not between you and your friend; it’s between you and Allah.”  Well, can’t argue with logic like that, so I mustered my courage and approached the Imaam, telling him I wanted to officially become Muslim.  He stood with me out front by the bookcase so we would not be alone in any room; the vacuuming guy served as our noisy chaperone.  I always enjoyed listening to this Imaam when he gave talks.  His name was Adnan Bayazid and he was from Syria. His point of view was common sense Islam.  He had a very easy personality but of course I was incredibly intimidated because he was an Imaam.  He wasn’t a pushover, either.  He quizzed me on some of the major points of Islam to assure himself that I was doing this with knowledge.  I must have passed his test because after a few minutes of questions, he asked me to repeat the testimony of faith after him:

“Ash hadu an la ilaha il Allah, wa ash hadu anna Muhammadur Rasool Allah”

“I bear witness that there is no god but Allah, and I bear witness that Muhammad (peace be upon him) is the Messenger of Allah”

He was clearly pleased.  He congratulated me and then told me, with emphatic hand gestures, that anything I had done wrong, any sins or regrets I had, were gone, forgotten.  This more than anything proved my undoing, and I began to cry due to the enormity of what I had done.  He quickly excused himself before he, too, could get emotional, and I walked back into the multi-purpose room and leaned on a table and cried my eyes out.  I was happy but emotionally worn out by the time I left for home.

Fast forward eighteen years and here I am, older, maybe wiser, maybe not, married for twelve years with five kids, living in suburbia and trying to help others have a bit of an easier time traveling the path I and so many other reverts have trod.  I’ve been through the many phases of Islam.  The “SuperConvertitis” phase, where I tried to out Islam everyone else.  The burnout phase, where I just wanted to not think about Islam at all, the barely doing the minimum phase where only guilt and fear of Hellfire kept me going, and the phase I’m in now.  It’s kind of a comfortable phase.  I’m steadfast in  my faith, I know where my weaknesses are and I don’t beat myself up for them anymore, and I try to maximize my strong points.  I’m not a “haraam alaik-er” and I’m not so easygoing that I’ll simply smile and nod if I see a Muslim eating a ham sandwich and drinking a beer outside the masjid on Friday.  I think I’ve found my niche as a Muslim and it is in writing and trying to be an uplifting presence – not a role model, I’m not good enough for that – for my brothers and sisters in Islam.  I also make it a point to occasionally poke the hornet’s nest of problems in the Ummah so that people realize that we have to be more proactive in living and teaching Islam.  I’m not Super Muslimah, and I’m okay with that.

I just read on one of my Facebook groups that one of our sisters has left Islam, and it got me to thinking.  Here I am, Muslim for eighteen years, well settled in my faith, knowledgeable to a degree, not prone to histrionics.  What could motivate a person, once guided, to abandon the faith?  What could make me consider leaving Islam, even for a moment?

Wow, what a topic, eh?  Why would I leave Islam?  Well, part of me would say it’s too damn hard.  Waking up at godawful in the morning, having to pray five – five! – times a day.  Making wudu.  Walking around with my body parts dripping wet is not comfortable.  Having to pray every day at set times.  I don’t even brush my teethevery day.  Not being able to eat bacon.  I know I can eat beef bacon or turkey bacon, but that’s at home.  I have to be a damned private investigator and quiz every restaurant employee, read every label.  Is there pork in this?  Do you make the sauce with wine?  This eternal food vigilance is tiring and I look at all the great places featured on Food TV and think, Can’t eat there, or there, or there, can’t even enterthat country, dang place is full of pork, sheesh.  I have to feel guilty or leave if I visit my mom and she has a bottle of beer or a glass of wine with dinner.  I pack my kids’ lunch every day in case there’s some sneaky pork in the school menu.  It is, frankly, a hassle.  It would be easier just to ignore it.

And covering.  Wearing abaya and hijab.  I’ve been doing it almost since right after I became Muslim.  Is it hard?  No, not really.  I’m no fashionista and most of the time I love the abaya because I can toss it on, throw on a scarf, and I’m dressed for any occasion, no muss, no fuss.  No one has to see the sweats underneath.  But boy, some days I feel like I just want to rip off the scarf and feel the wind in my hair, the sun baking down on top of my bare head.  I want to wear jeans and a t-shirt when I’m playing with the kids in the yard.  I want to not trip over the stairs every single time I bring up the groceries.  I want to not have to rush to throw something on, fumbling with snaps and wraps, when the UPS guy drops off a package or someone who turns out to be a little kid knocks on my door.  I want to go swimming in a normal one-piece suit instead of a burqini. 

I want to go out of the house and look like everyone else.  I want to be invisible at Wal-mart so that the mean-looking lady doesn’t give me the evil eye.  I want to not have to worry about what’s going on in someone’s head when they see me.  I’m not super self-conscious about it, but somewhere in the back of my mind is just the tiniest bit of awareness that some day, somewhere, some idiot might confront me or, worse, try to physically assault me, simply because of what I represent with my clothing.  It’d be nice to not have to worry about that.

The Muslims.  Sigh.  Sometimes I want to disassociate myself from Islam just because there are stupid, idiot, ignorant, jackass people who call themselves Muslim who say and do the most idiotic things.  Afghans growing opium, honor killings, acid attacks, subjugation of women, female genital mutilation, corrupt governments, bribery, cheating in business, hypocrisy.  As Yusuf Islam, the former Cat Stevens, is famously quoted as saying “Thank God I learned about Islam before I met Muslims”.  Frankly, sometimes it’s just embarrassing to be identified as Muslim.  It’s like someone finding out you’re related to one of the Kardashians or a serial killer.  It’s kinda hard to live down.  I don’t like having to give the “all Muslims are not terrorists” speech all the time. 

I think the hardest thing about being Muslim, at least for me, is being aware of being Muslim all the time.  I have a highly refined guilt complex, so I am immediately aware if something I am doing is haraam, forbidden.  I keep the radio on the news station.  From time to time I’ll check out the local pop music station and listen to a few songs.  Wow, they sound gooooood… and then I’ll immediately feel guilty.  Why am I not listening to Qur’an or at least nasheeds?  But don’t listen to too many nasheeds or that will be haraam too because you should be listening to Qur’an.  Well, maybe I’ll listen to some classical music and that will be less haraam….  Oh, and TV.  I watch the news and food shows and football.  Should I be watching football?  All those hunky guys in tight uniforms.  Well, maybe if I only look at the offensive linemen, who are over 300 pounds and not really hunky at all.  I’ll just listen and not focus on the screen.  But here comes a beer commercial.  Haraaaaaam!

Ugh, there I go again.  Islam is so hard.  Islam requires that we be conscious human beings, aware of our surroundings, aware of wasting food, aware of how we deal with the opposite sex, aware of how we behave in business, aware of what we expose our kids to, aware of our environment, aware of how the less fortunate are abused, aware of ourselves, aware of our duty to Allah, aware of the fact that life is short and there’s this big huge thing called Judgment Day.  And sometimes it gets to be overwhelming and I feel like I’ll never measure up and I can’t do this and I’m failing and why the hell should I keep trying because I’m tired and I just want to be an unconscious not-thinking-about-the-afterlife-all-the-time normal person.  And dammit I just want to go to Burger King and order a bacon cheeseburger and eat it and enjoy it.

So, yeah, I’ve wondered what it would be like to not be Muslim anymore. 

So what stops me?

Belief.

“Ash hadu an la ilaha il Allah, wa ash hadu anna Muhammadur Rasool Allah.”

I believe in One God, without partners.  I believe that Allah sent messengers and prophets to teach us what was in the Books He revealed.  I believe in angels, and I believe in a Day of Judgment, and I believe in Allah’s Divine Decree.  Logically, in my unromantic linear little German heart, I believe in Tauheed.  I believe that we fragile, short-sighted human beings need rules and regulations to keep us from royally screwing up our lives.  I see the proof of that all around me in society.  I believe that Islam is true, that when I look at it honestly with the knowledge of my own frailties, that all the do’s and don’ts are really necessary.  We like to think we are strong and moral and self-regulating, but we’re lying to ourselves.  If we had no fear of Allah, most of us would be cheating on our spouses, smoking pot, drinking whiskey, cheating our bosses, or doing something else that is bad for us or for others, all the while smugly saying “I can do it because I am strong and I won’t let it get the better of me”.  I believe in Islam. 

I believe in Islam.  I didn’t convert to Islam for a guy or because I thought the clothing made me look exotic, or to rebel against my family, or to justify my sense of being different from everyone else.  I became Muslim because I had to.  Once I realized that Islam was the truth, I couldn’t not  become Muslim, even in the face of corrupt Muslim governments, idiotic Muslims abusing women, growing opium, misinterpreting their own scripture, and all that.  Even if I fell down and fell short every day of my life.  Even if I had the hardest time keeping concentration long enough to make wudu and get to the prayer rug.  Even if I still tuned in Lady Gaga once or twice.  Even if I watched a rated R movie.  Even if, on a hot, humid, sultry day in mid-August I wanted to rip off my hijab and run through the sprinkler in shorts and a tank top. 

Even if someone hurls insults at me.  Even if someone tries to tear off my hijab.  Even if someone abuses my kids.  Even if my husband loses a job because of his beard.  Even if my family hates me.  Even if my non-Muslim friends leave me.  Even if I have to leave my home country.  Even if someone holds a knife to my throat and tells me to renounce my faith or they’ll kill me.  Even if I were the only Muslim on the planet, or the only Muslim on the planet striving to live as a Muslim.  Even if.

“Ash hadu an la ilaha il Allah, wa ash hadu anna Muhammadur Rasool Allah.”

I am a Muslim.  I am a weak, frail, moody, anxious, hyperactive, attention-deficit-disorder, bad housecleaning, prayer-missing, ungrateful, overeating, underexercising, too-long-blog-post-writing Muslim.  I will continue to fall down, I will continue to struggle, but I will never, never stop being Muslim.  I am weak but Allah has guided me and how can I be so ungrateful as to turn my back on Him?  Allah is One.  Once I realized that, I never had a choice.

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Kaaba in the rain..SubhanAllah